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Sami
08 September 2011 @ 10:41 pm
Hello,

Well let's see what's happened since 06 when I last posted.... I went to treatment for Bulimia in November of '08 after leaving Precision Camera after 8 long years of working there. In January of '09 I was hospitalized for a week after one of my best friend's was raped and my Mom was hospitalized for breaking her ankle, on a suicide watch. Two weeks later my Pepe died of cancer, he apparently stopped taking his meds and everyone decided I didn't need to know. Then that same week I got into a bad car accident because my wonderful boss wouldn't let me stay home without being fired. In the accident I broke my back....that was fun. PS Now I have fibromyalgia because of it. Great right! Then in December of 09 I was back in treatment for my ED. Then in the summer of 2010 my friend Megan was murdered by her husband. Then my Meme and Pepe died in the beginning of 2011, in that order. Then my friend Tito died in a car accident. Then recently my friend's daughter was murdered and they still don't know by who. PS throughout all of this my Dad and Brother have been in and out of jail for drugs and my sister lost custody of her Son. So..how do I keep hope alive after all of that? I'm just wondering, because I'm in pain every day and on days I feel better something else usually happens. when will I get a break from all of this? When will I just have a good day with no pain and no worries? Probably when I'm dead. Just saying. I know it's a scary thought but so is walking around all day deciding if you should feel sick because of your meds or because your in pain. Either way not helping. Also trying to get over an ED is much harder when you can't lose weight healthily because of all your meds. I know I get annoying to the people that are around me all the time but there's not much I can do about it because trust me, it's way more annoying to be me right now. I think I'm going to keep up with this journal because it was definitely refreshing to read through and remember when I had dreams and things to look forward to in life. I wish I could go back to before all this happened and do things differently. I don't want to live with regrets and I don't want to hate my life every day. I want to be present and able to be out with people without being uncomfortable either from pain or my self esteem. Is that really so much to ask? I mean honestly, why is life so difficult for no reason?
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: You Lost Me by Christina Aguilara
 
 
Sami
08 June 2008 @ 11:49 am
I guess the bottle won again
It seems to be your only friend
You know that you were never here
And now you're living your fears
Trust is something you can't fix once you break it
And trust is something I lost in you
So I go on living every day and I fake it
Inside I'm just like you
I need to find myself a home
Or be okay on my own
A cloud of lies makes it unclear
Stuck in this skin but I'm not here
Trust is something you can't fix once you break it
And trust is something I lost in you
So I go on living every day and I fake it
Inside I'm just like you
With no one to cling to and no one who knows the real you
With no one to sing to and no one to speak your thoughts to
But I hope you'll see
That I just want you to fight this so called disease
And I hope that it shows
With each day my love grows
But trust is something you can't fix once you break it
And trust i something I lost in you
So I go on living every day and I fake it
Inside I'm just like you
 
 
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
 
Sami
08 June 2008 @ 11:45 am
I don't remember
Yeah I don't recall the last time I felt this way
About someone else
Your words they took me
Out of a place where I couldn't see myself
Couldn't be myself
Her memories are keeping you away
Behaviors that guarded you
The thoughts that just haunt you day to day
I promise I'll wait for you to be
Completely free
I'm stubborn and guarded
Love was never rewarded so it's really hard for me
To let you inside of me
Time brings us power
Time that we want but don't take advantage of
Oh don't take advantage of me
Her memories are keeping you away
Behaviors that guarded you
The thoughts that just haunt you day to day
I promise I'll wait for you to be
Completely free
Right now I'm waiting
Right now I'm sitting here to give you some room
I know that we moved to soon
But I hope you'll see me
The way that you saw her and I hope you'll find
That I'm always on your mind cuz you're on mine
Her memories are keeping you away
Behaviors that guarded you
The thoughts that just haunt you day to day
I promise I'll wait for you to
Completely free
 
 
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
 
 
Sami
08 June 2008 @ 11:41 am
He really needs someone to show him how to love
All the ones who knew him it never showed
And now he's just trying to keep his head out of the water
He's holding his breath heaving chest
And nobody understands it the damage he has done
And nobody understands how he could give up all he'd won
No it's not right the dealt he's been handed this life
All he needed was our love
A year ago it came out into the air
Finally a way to be in the clear
Even then he couldn't change his force of habit
A world of false remains the same
And now we can understand it the damage he has done
And now we can understand that he just gave up all he'd won
No it's not right the dealt he handed us this life
All I needed was your love
So now I'm lost in a world where no one understands but every day they see me
Am I really that unapproachable does anybody care?
I really need someone to walk me through this someone to show me the light
But every time I feel comfortable someone else breaks my trust
And now I can understand it the damage he has done
And now I can understand how he could give up all he'd won
No it's not right the dealt I've been handed this life
All I needed was your love
All he needed was our love
All we need is love
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
 
 
Sami
08 June 2008 @ 11:39 am
Two years I waited to matter and get inside
Your heart it didn't falter or let me in you'll always hide
And now I'm lost living on my own with no one
Who'll ever understand me or want me oh no one
And now I don't know what to do
And now I'm lost here without you
But I'll remember you as I move on
Just want to understand what I did wrong
And I was trying to show you how to love
But all you ever heard was something something else
Then I became a bird who never leaves you're losing sleep
And I became the one who you knew you wouldn't keep
And now I don't know what to do
But I am living without you
Yes I'll remember you and I've moved on
I'll remember you with just this song
Two years I waited and still you didn't notice me
So now I'm waiting for someone to notice me
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
 
Sami
08 June 2008 @ 11:33 am
There's so many things keeping us apart
I don't know how to get into your heart
And anything I try to tell you
Makes you think that I don't want you
It's just for now I have these feelings
I know that they will pass
I don't know why I tell you
I just want honesty and class
Maybe then you'll realize
I'm just trying to show you it's past
Every day I learn exactly why it's wrong
It just goes to show he'll never change his song
And I just feel the need to show you
All the hurt he still puts me through
It's just for now I have these feelings
I'm sure that they will pass
I don't know why I tell you
I just want honesty and class
Maybe then you'll realize
I'm just trying to show you it's past
You're tell me you want to be away
But I can't go not even a single day
Without a thought of you in my mind
Maybe we do really just need some time
It's just for now I have these feelings
I know that they will pass
I don't know why I tell you I just want honesty and class
Maybe then you'll realize
I'm just trying to show you it's past
it's past
I'm just trying to show you it's past
I just want honesty and class
ooooo oooooo
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused
 
 
Sami
26 November 2007 @ 09:01 pm
Sittin here thinking about our lives
Wonderin if it's really worth the time
Cuz I know I'm not your number one
Everytime we try to work this out
But that's not what this is all about
I don't feel your heart inside of mine

What I need to feel is your arms around me
and know that this is real
So I'm gonna heal without you by me
Cuz we can't fake real

Sittin' here thinking how to leave this place
with no damage and no mistakes
Sittin' here thinking how you're gonna feel
I know that this is really gonna hurt
But I know that this is what love is worth
Peaceful and happy all the time

What I need to feel is your arms around me
and know that this is real
So I'm gonna heal without you by me
Cuz we can't fake real

Cuz I'll never feel your arms around me
and know that this is real
So I'm gonna heal without you by me
Oh no we can't fake real
 
 
Sami
05 September 2007 @ 08:12 pm
She was the one who I thought you would always need
But now I know that was just a lie
Taking advantage of all she had to give
Ripping apart all of the world that she made for you

She loved you and you know it's true
But now that you've gone and left her for someone new
I will never see how you could ever make her cry
My whole world is gone and everything is just a lie
And it's not fair that you'll never care

So many nights we just waited to hear from you
But you were never concerned enough to call us
You were to busy only thinking of you
What kind of man leaves his family behind

She loved you and you know it's true
But now that you've gone and left her for someone new
I will never see how you could ever make her cry
My whole world is gone and everything is just a lie
And it's not fair that you'll never care

She isn't right this isn't fair how could you go and leave us there
So many nights sat up and cried and thought of how you pushed us aside
I'm waiting for the day you'll say that this was all just a mistake
I'm waiting now but you must see I have to move have to breathe

She loved you and you know it's true
But now that you've gone and left her here for someone new
I will never see how you could ever make her cry
My whole world is gone and everything is just a lie
And it's not fair but you never cared
 
 
Current Mood: angryangry
 
 
Sami
12 August 2007 @ 12:29 pm
The lies you told ripped out her heart
Now everything she knew is breaking apart
This isn't my problem but still I fell
Abandoned, deserted, trying to heal
I stay away as often as I can
I don't want friends to see the way I am
My boys and girls always keep me sound
Never argue, always understand, always around
I hope someday you see what you need to
I hope you learn to be just you
How could you have hated me all those years
And finally we get along ending in tears
She's just like me so I don't understand
How you can want to hold her hand
I know you tried to stay for us
But she's better then second best
So I guess all that's left to say
Is that I hope you're happy in some way
Eventually we will all be able to comprehend
How the last fourteen years could end...
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Never Again
 
 
Sami
27 November 2006 @ 10:44 pm
grrr  
I really don't know what I should do about school. I really would like to get a bach. degree, but at the same time, I would like to be able to practice and perform with Laura. It's really a hard decision. I am like one to two semesters away from graduating with a liberal arts degree, but what good would that really do me? On the other hand, if I do go back to Umass, then I will have to take out a bunch of loans because I defintely can't afford it....I don't know. Had I never left Umass this would have been so much easier because I wouldn't have this job that I am forced to be in. I feel like I'm stuck and I don't know what to do from here. I want to support myself and be "grown up" and just have a good job, but I'm also still twenty and I also want to be in college and get a four year degree. I'm smarter then HCC. Grr..this whole thing isn't fair. I don't know how these decisions came about, but I wish I could go back and remake them. Althought, none of that is either here nor there. What should I do? What plans bring me to what? I really don't know which.
 
 
Current Mood: confusedconfused